I don’t even know anymore….

I wish I hadn’t grown up with these preconceived notions of what love and family is suppose to mean. I find myself more often than not wishing I was some sorta movie star just so at some point I could live out a happy ending on screen, I’d like to be able to watch it when I was feeling blue. Scripted love is the best kind of love isn’t it?  I want to bad to believe in those childish things that seemed so innocent and right. There is only one person in the world meant for you and you for them and at some point when all the elements are set and the timing is perfect, you meet, you smile, you fall in love.

I’m not too sure of what I want anymore, or where I’m suppose to be going. I’d like to stop moving for a while. I’d like someone to take notice when I stopped and maybe stop for a while with me. I’d like to be important enough to be needed not just noticed. There’s a huge difference in the two you know. I  guess you can say I’m being ungrateful , that I should be happy I’m even noticed. It’s exhausting looking into mirrors and seeing nothing there worth looking at, but I keep looking you know? Even though I want to stop looking , I keep looking each time I pass a face by. One of my biggest fears is to be absolutely alone, and I seem to be in love with someone who doesn’t care if they are alone or not. Why am I still standing here then, looking into a blank reflection.

I’m so tired of everything. My face aches from smiling so fucking much. I wish I could sleep forever. If this is all life has to offer then I really don’t want any part of it. I feel guilty for feeling this way, when there are people out in the world going through so much more than I am. I don’t want to share that kinda world with anyone, I don’t want to see the death – the waste – the pain of other people if I can’t help them.

I feel like something inside me is screaming and the noise is deafening – I wish I could scream too. I wish I could just vanish into those screams until there was nothing but silence and nothing – This feels like a slow progression of sadness and I’m starting not to care about anything. Especially anything connected to the people I know. Sometimes I hate everyone and everything, and then sometimes I feel like it’s all pointless to feel anything concerning anyone. Life will be what it is and the world will continue it’s course with or without me. I think once realizing you’re not important, that your role is really fucking insignificant you lose the ability to fight or care. The one thing that has kept me going is my fear of failure, but it’s almost laughable because I fail at everything and I can’t seem to get my shit together. I guess I was so busy trying not to fail at the things I wanted , I actually didn’t notice I did fail. It feels like it’s almost over. I’m really glad for that.

Advertisements